Rub Paw Press

Once upon a time I was a fun and feisty girl in her early twenties, gallivanting around the world and breaking hearts on my path to domination of all men.

Ah, how I miss those days, now that I am tumbling towards my late twenties, my friends are all getting married, and I seem to have switched teams from the heartbreakers to the heartbreakees. There’s nothing better than the feeling of knowing your boyfriend is so in love with you that you will, without a doubt, be the one who ends up giving the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk. And nothing worse than being on the other side, sobbing for him to take you back…

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be in a stable, long-term, happy relationship. But having endured a string of not-so-enjoyable breakups that were slightly less than mutually agreed upon, I think I need to get back the old awesome “me” before a “real life” relationship is possible. So I’m looking for a boy who will fall head over heels for me, even slightly obsessively, and who I will almost definitely eventually dump.

Criteria:
1. Skinny, trendy, Shoreditch type. Cycling and skinny jeans are good. Fake hipster glasses I can tolerate. Tattoos are absolutely excellent.
2. Low self esteem. I.e. maybe you spent a good portion of your teen years crying along to Dashboard Confessional. That’s what I’m looking for. CRY EMO BOY CRY. Maybe girls have hurt you in the past- but instead of this making you guarded and “unable to love” this makes you desperate for a girl’s affection (like, for example, me. I promise I will like you and be really sweet to you and give you at least a minimal boost to your ego).
3. You’re age 25-35, not married, live in London. I think this is obvious, but maybe not.
4. It would be great if you had a sense of humour and didn’t write me hate mail for posting this, I should also add.

So, you are probably wondering, why would you put yourself through this? What do you get? Well, first of all, we will have a good time. I’m a great date and a fab girlfriend. I’m cute and funny and really easy to be around, so I’ve been told. Despite all information in the previous paragraphs pointing to the contrary, I’m not malicious or terrible.

We can go to gigs and pubs and drink lots of beer and do Londony stuff and it will be great fun for awhile. And then, once I’ve dumped you, you’ll have some really great material to write poems/ songs/ diary entries about. Think about it. Maybe all you’ve needed all this time to get your band off the ground is a girl like me to break your heart.

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